If you could reach into your brain, and change a belief or a thought that you have about yourself or about life. What would you change, and why?
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Saturday, March 3, 2007
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This is a hard question. Right off the top of my head, the first answer is that I would want to change my belief that I am not safe in the world, not worthy of safety.
I think this all stems from growing up with all the drama and anxiety around "getting saved", and being a "sinner" and hellfire, brimstone, satan, and the God who buried the whole world in water because he was pissed off.
But, as I think about it more, what would actually want to change is.. that I would want to remember who I really am. I would want to really and truly know, beyond doubt and disbelief, that I am spirit - that I am life - that I am love - that there is way more to me than what I see in the mirror and think in my head.
That would be cool. Lots of things would immediately get way easier to handle if I could just have that.
...that anything that is shouldn't be exactly as it is...
"I would want to really and truly know, beyond doubt and disbelief, that I am spirit - that I am life - that I am love - that there is way more to me than what I see in the mirror and think in my head. "
Wouldn't it be nice to know that we truly have a spirit and better yet that this energy or conciousness still goes on? As time accelerates by and we learn to comes to terms with our mortality, I feel that we have an energy or life force that we can tap into. I think often about this tree talker who could be in a spot and even learn all about the energy of an old tree that had been removed from a neighborhood. The other trees could tell him about the missing energy from the tree.
As we get older we experience more pain and wish that it could be removed from our memory but then these memories become part of who we are and want to become. If we learn from them,we can grow stronger and hopefully learn to be happy with who we are and who we might eventually actualize into.
I think I would change the part in my brain that somehow thought as a young girl that the only way I would be worthy of the company of boys is if I had sex with them. I never had the confidence to say no. I never had the guts to stand up to their intimidation, unspoken or blatant. Emotional manipulation is always the thing that twists me up and spits me out....somehow I can't recognize it until it's too late to go back. As I grew up, I have allowed men to control me, to physically hurt me, to sexually abuse me. I have allowed men and women both to emotionally manipulate me for their own purposes, whatever they were. Whatever caused this 'blink' in my common sense development is what I would stop, or eliminate, or delete. What kind of person would I be now had that happened? Would I be a better mother? Would I be a better friend? Would I be a better person? Who knows? That's not my road. My road is the really crooked one with the big boulders one right after another. Maybe the recognition of my own acquired personal downfall will somehow give my own girls the confidence to break that cycle. Nothing can be changed for me....but for them, the road is completely open. I think I would die to keep it that way.
I was talking about this question today with someone I know, and she said something really interesting. I have been mulling it over all evening long. And I'm sure that by now my idea of what she said is actually totally different.
But what I got from it was that she wouldn't change anything in her mind. Because the things in her mind are ok and important. She just sits with the thoughts when they are uncomfortable, and they just sort of dissipate into being the now moment and its all good.
I tried to get her to comment on the question.. but was unsuccessful. I guess her "punishment" (or ours) is that I have now successfully totally butchered her clear thinking..
But that's ok because if I just sit with that thought long enough it will become a now moment.
And all joking aside, I think this is a great thing to work at doing.
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