Which feeling brings you the most discomfort when it rises up within you? What lengths will you go to in order to avoid feeling it?
How and when do you allow yourself to express it? Or do you?
Saturday, July 21, 2007
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Dread... I think that's got to be the worst one for me.
And I usually get it when I have gone to great lengths to avoid other feelings... like fear.
Once it gets started, I can't usually find my way out of it. So, what I most often do is call my friends and freak out on them... and then I just somehow get through it by - well... getting through it.
It seems to be tied up with guilt for me... and that's another feeling I work hard at avoiding...
Worry Guilt and Fear, they hang around with me alot. In fact they are my oldest and dearest friends, and when I welcome them in, and say "Oh, hello.. it's you!" then, usually the dread can be avoided... when I try to lock them out, when I head for the hills, it's usually straight into the arms of.. you guessed it... dread.
So... that's my story about feelings. What's yours?
I think the feeling that brings me the most discomfort is anger. I have had an affair with anger for many years. It is definitely one of the demons I wrestle with.
Over the years I seem to have fluctuated from out of control anger, to overcompensation of this which then turned into holding everything in and having TOO much control of my anger, which I think is just as toxic.
I definitely go to great lengths to avoid the feeling of anger. I think one reason why is that it seems like most of the time, feeling angry just isn't worth the trouble, angst and high blood pressure. As I have gotten older, I have sort of learned to "pick my battles" and try to not over or under react, but find a happy medium. I have tried to avoid getting angry about things that I simply have no control over, and try to create a positive outcome of situations that I believe MIGHT be changed.
I used to express my anger very physically, often destroying inanimate objects or injuring myself, i.e. throwing phones, punching walls, etc. I can't say that I NEVER do that now, but it is much less often and usually when I have several things happen at once and I am sleep-deprived or extremely frustrated already.
I have managed to figure out a way to delay my responses to most anger-causing situations, giving myself time to evaluate the situation and then determine if getting angry or sharing the anger will be of any benefit.
I think being angry at myself is probably the hardest thing for me because I don't have a choice as to whether I should show my anger, since it's me I'm mad at.
I have always seemed to anger quickly but usually get over it fairly quickly, too. And it is a relief that with maturity has come a more laidback attitude in general!
For me, it is probably depression. i take medication, but sometimes i still feel very sad about things in my past and very overwhelmed by what's in my present. mostly i just try to not think about those things, but sometimes I can't help it. Fear overcomes me a lot too. irrational fear probably, but it's always over my shoulder and because of my life experiences, it never goes away totally.
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