We've all done things we don't want to do, but have you ever been able to PERSIST in any action that you absolutely felt no desire to do?
And does this mean that when you talk about doing something, but never take action towards the doing of it, does that mean that really you have no real desire to do it?
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I find it extremely difficult to make myself do anything that I don't really want to do. It used to be way easier. In years past, I could make myself do all kinds of things that I didn't really want to do - and then one day that part of me got broken.
And now, if I see that I am talking about doing something but taking no steps toward it, I immediately realize that it must be something that I don't really WANT to do.
In fact, even the slightest twinge of "don't wanna" will act as a huge impediment to my doing of whatever.
I am a Taurus and a huge "persister", so I still get up every day and go to a job I'm DONE with, even though I don't want to. Sure, I want the paycheck, but I could potentially call in sick and still collect a paycheck, for a while at least. I don't do that - I get up and go in to work even though it's psychically painful sometimes.
And there are things I truly desire to do, but don't for lack of time/energy/money. When I begin to obtain even the smallest amount of the resources I need, I take steps towards whatever I want to accomplish, but that is not to say that if I am unable to take any steps at all toward my goal, that I don't want it somehow. Sometimes timing and circumstances just aren't right. But I have faith that if it's something my heart truly wants, eventually all the pieces in the universe will find their right place and the path will open before me.
One of the things I NEVER want to do is sit down and pay bills! And I know that the longer I wait, the more difficult things will be and that if I do force myself to sit down and pay them, I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction in doing it. Yet, month after month, I avoid doing it because I despise it so much. And I don't think it is even because of lack of funds, there is just something I totally DESPISE about it whether I have the money or not! And I find as I get older, it gets more and more difficult to FORCE myself to do anything I don't want to do! I just wish I "had somebody" to do it all for me - sit down and pay the bills (even if it is with my own money), clean my house, etc. I want the rewards without the hard work and sweat, I guess! Maybe I just feel that I've worked hard long enough and sweated enough and I'm sick and tired of it!
So I do persist at forcing myself to do things, even though I know procrastination makes things worse!
Cindy - that sounds just like me! I finally had to turn my bills over to an automatic bill pay service just so that they would get paid. And I HAVE to clean the house today because it's the only day I will have time to do it.. but I'm not..... and I wish I knew how to find a way to WANT to with no resistance... It doesn't seem very "buddhist" to be resistant to cleaning up...
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